Living in Limbo

It is a rather odd period for me at the moment.  My facial surgery and switch to living as a woman is just under a hundred days away.  In the meanwhile the hormones have given me a womanly figure which is only too apparent in other than a very sloppy pullover or a suit jacket.  It is too uncomfortable NOT to wear a bra and the last thing I want to be from the summer on is ‘saggy’ in the upstairs department.  Keeping my mobile phone in my shirt top pocket as I used to is now definitely out!  My hair now covers my ears and my (small) male bald patch is disappearing steadily as new growth regains old ground .  On the other hand I am still living as a man, have only just received my voice training DVD’s which came from the USA a couple of days ago and I still have my regular Saturday morning facial electrolysis (although the regrowth is now very, very much sparser, finer and mostly light in colour).  I don’t shave at all and grow the hair all week so that the therapist has the best shot at getting rid of everything every Saturday.

What am I?  Male?  Female?  Neither really cut it at the moment.  I am some strange intermediate form which does not fit into either camp.  I can’t wait in the evening to get home and strip off the male veneer and wear something more feminine, even if it is a pair of female jeans and a cardigan.

I have had some odd looks in the petrol station and on the train.  Today I am paper-working on the train on the way up to London and in a shirt and tie I think I look distinctly odd.  I certainly feel it.

It is a bit of a strain but I just have to grin and bear it.  Later today I am going to book my Eurostar tickets to Belgium for surgery in July as they have just been released on the Eurostar website.  It can’t come soon enough for me.

There are SOME compensations to looking weird.  I saw no bar to getting my ears pierced yesterday and am now blessed with a couple of crystal studs which those ‘in the know’ have smiled knowingly at and those not (like the chap opposite me on the train this morning) just think I’m that bit more weird.  He’s right......

Moira

The hormones are biting

I have been on oestogen for about 2 and a half months now and am starting to see significant effects.  I should say that I had 4 months on oestrogen about 17 years ago, so perhaps I am building on earlier work. 

Perhaps the most noticeable aspect for me is that I now  have a delightful pair of A-cup breasts all of my own.  There is a constant sensitivity behind the nipples (I was going to say 'ache' but that's not quite right.) which I understaqnd can be interpreted as 'growing pains'.  And they are certainly still growing!  I am told that full development may take up to 2 years and is likely to be in fits and starts so now I'm wondering where I will end up.  What I have at the moment is not really noticeable under male vest, shirt and suit jacket but the warmer weather is coming and if I grow much more it will be difficult to hide.

There are other more subtle effects.  A number of friends have said that my face shape has changed a little.  This is difficult for me to spot because I see myself in the mirror most mornings and the change is rather subtle.

Another change I have definitely noticed is that I have lost some muscle mass and definition at the top of my arms.  Before Xmas I was shying away from sleeveless dresses because the tops of my arms were very obviously male.  Now they are beginning to look rather different.

All this augers well for my great change in the summer.  I wouldn't say that I am waiting with increasing anticipation but then I can tell you that my cosmetic surgery is 115 days away and my return to work as a woman is in160 days....

Another change, and I don't think it relates to the hormones, is with regard to mental processes.  Given that I am not hiding anymore from friends, colleagues clients, etc, it has begun to free my mental processes; do I fancy him, would I wear that etc etc.  The only parallel I can think of is when I go to France.  I speak quite passable French and it takes me about 36 hours to beging thinking in French.  Now I am thinking as a woman and it is just great!

LOL

Moira

And the winner is.......

Given the showing of The King's Speech and Colin Firth in the past few days I couldn't resist an Oscar reference in today's post.  (By the way, if you haven't seen it yet, don't wait for the DVD.)

My particular Oscars are for the two best e-mails I have had from work colleagues since they were informed, last Tuesday, of my intention to transition in August.  I have had about 30 e-mails, all very supportive.  Many were quite solemn but, I am pleased to say, some reflected our collective sense of humour in the business in which I work.

In reverse order... (Oh, that's Miss World rather than the Oscars but never mind.) second prize goes to the lady colleague who welcomed me to the sisterhood and informed me that there were a couple of things I should know.  The first is that all men are B******'s.  Secondly, that this didn't matter as there were some useful female manipulation techniques which she would be pleased to teach me!

The Colin Firth, first prize goes to the colleague who e-mailed to say (tounge-in-cheek) that he had been down to Clinton Cards but that a dilligent search of the 'work colleague congratulations' section had not revealed anything entirely appropriate.  He felt he could design something but that this was likely to be a rather niche market as far as specialist card sellers was likely to be.  My sort of guy!

It is SUCH a relief to be 'out' to my work colleagues.

Moira

An important step

I have been working at home this week on a significant piece of paperwork, so it seemed like a good moment for my work collegues to find out.....

On Tuesday a 'Dear Colleagues....' letter from me was left in all the pidgeonholes at work and the Head of the Admin called the support staff together to tell them my news.  I am told that there was a fair amount of surprise but nothing other than sympathy......, and a desire from the female staff to ask some 'technical' questions about transition that the Head of Admin (male) did not feel competant to answer......

Since then I have had a steady flow of supportive e-mails and calls, just lovely.  It is wonderful to be 'out' with my work colleagues, who are my friends as well.  Such a relief.

I am out of the office on Monday but will be calling in at the end of the day and now only feel a trace of nervousness about breezing back in.  At least I won't have make excuses about the bags from Hobbs I am seen with occasionally....

Moira

The little milestones are important as well.

On any long journey (and transition is certainly that) the little milestones each mark distance covered on the journey and have their place in the story.  This last weekend I spotted three which I thought were worthy of record.

The first was that after facial electrolysis on Friday (a day early this week as I was goung out on the weekend) my skin was entirely clear.  Until now the next week's growth was usually visible below the skin but not sufficiently developed to be got at by the therapist.  This Friday - nothing!  At the weekend I did have to wear some foundation to cope with the redness left by recent electrolysis but no dark hairs to cover - hooray.  Now (Tuesday) there is just a little regrowth coming through, but so, so little.  I have 5 months to go until full-time female living and so my comfort and the amount of facial hair are in directly inverse proportions!

Secondly, I spent the weekend away with my good friend W in Cardiff and her group (they won't mind me saying) of irresponsible thirty /  forty-somethings.  I realised that when I packed my bag, the only male clothing I was taking were my pajamas - another milestone.  Thanks to W, Ru, Ro, Cl and Se for making me feel so very welcome.

The third milestone was that this was a group of folks who have not met me in trousers (hooray!)  My female self is very much a 'work in progress' certainly this side of cosmetic surgery and a little weight loss but it is so relaxing just to be me.............

lol

Moira

P.S.
I can tell from the traffic statistics that this site generates that there are a few of you following my posts now.  It would be lovely to receive a few more comments.

Making a clean breast of it...

I have been on oestrogen for nearly two months now and I very plainly have some breast development.  What I have is certainly not beyond an ‘A’ cup but they are quite firm and perky and particularly noticeable if I turn onto my front in bed (ouch!).  The time came this week when I needed to get some ‘support’.  Work took me to Nottingham and I called into Debenhams to book an appointment with their bra-fitting service.  I was with a female colleague (who knows my circumstances) and as we walked away we realised that there might have been some ambiguity over WHO the 4 o’clock appointment was for.

This proved to be correct when I went back later in the day as they were expecting a lady!  Well, perhaps I might be permitted to say a different sort of lady....  After I explained my circumstances the initially rather stern lady assistant became all smiles and conducted me to a private fitting room where she arranged the ‘necessary support’ and we discussed how that might need to change over coming months.  Five gold stars to Debenhams for the service.

I have been becoming increasingly relaxed about my work colleagues knowing about my forthcoming transition in advance and increasingly frustrated by covering the changes, for example by attributing my lengthening hair to the recent cold weather.  (I also fancy having my ears pierced soon, given the 3-month period the studs have to stay in before other earrings can be worn, and I haven’t been able to think of a cover story for crystal studs....)  I have discussed this with my senior management who are relaxed about my ‘coming out’ sooner than previously planned, so that may well happen in the next week or two.

I will keep you posted.....

Moira

When your coach turns into a pumpkin........

I had a great weekend.   My regular electrolysis therapist was away and the only day I could find a replacement was on Friday when, fortunately, I was working at home.  This had the great advantage that by Saturday morning my face and neck skin was smooth, hair-free and calm.  This meant that I was able to spend the whole weekend as the female version of myself.  Only a little light foundation now covers the redness from the electrolysis.

SO WONDERFUL to be ME for the whole weekend, and an increasingly convincing version of me with light make up and my own hair, which is starting to cover my ears.  Saturday evening had me curled up on the sofa in front of the TV in black tights and skirt, and candy pink cardigan, filing and polishing my nails.  Sunday morning found me at the supermarket, a pretty convincing version of an unremarkable middle-aged lady doing some gentle food shopping.  At least, a 6’ tall version of such.  I didn’t detect a second glance, other than a chap in Cafe Nero who did seem to be looking at my legs. (My best feature, I think.)  And this is without the cosmetic surgery in July which I hope will make me a less mannish and more attractive middle-aged woman.

And then the witching hour struck on Sunday evening.  I had to catch an early train on Monday morning and I find that in middle age I need my beauty sleep so by 10pm I was in bed.  Oh, how hard it is to take off my nail varnish, mascara etc etc and climb back into pyjamas.  I suppose this is a version of how  it will be from August when I will be living as a woman every day.  However, the image is rather ruined in bed or in the shower by.....well, you know.  I face 18 months of that until that glorious time, probably around Christmas 2012, when  reassignment surgery will allow me to feel feminine in bed and in the bathroom as well as during the day – Oh!

All the counselling in the world does not tell you anything.  It was how I felt on Sunday evening stepping back over the boundary from female to male that means I KNOW reassignment is right for me.

Moira